Surrender

i tried to grasp with my sight 

the twinkle of a star, 

the dust of its trail when it burns out under city lights. 

I’m always looking up, 

up at the sky. 

Can’t really tell if the tears come from the strain or for the longing feeling I feel.

surrender to fate, 

surrender to fate,

surrender to fate,

surrender to fate.

my mouth agape looking up,

up at the sky.

guided by my eyes, 

pulled by the tides,

mapped out by the stars.

surrender to fate

cause i’m gonna go someday anyway 

surrender to fate 

cause there’s no escape 

surrender to fate 

cause i’m not always in control.

Metamorphosis

everything I needed was here

two windows 

one to see the moon

and 

the other to feel the warmth of the sun.

I forget to close my blinds when I get vulnerable but I love to keep them open

so people can know I’m real.

see me

half drinking water bottles,

surviving off my crumbs,

crying into oblivion,

talking to the moon when i’m wounded,

dancing when the water bottles

no longer flood my room

and dragons blood incense escape through the screen of my windows 

and i’m staring into this portal 

when i’m looking my best-ests 

and I got this glow to my skin.

everything I needed was here 

and it’s my only safe space

my shield these four walls.

can’t you see how real I am?

how you watch me 

from the inside, out

undergo metamorphosis.

Sometimes I pray

sometimes I pray 

don’t know who 

to these days.

but I do facing up

tears splash back 

and words feel

like drowning.

And the sky

still blue, just

the darkest of

it’s hue. 

I clutch myself 

so tightly to

keep it all

from spilling, 

the bits of me.

I bear all of this 

agony and all

this secrecy 

of pain I’ll take 

with me to the grave.

So desperate I try

to save every bit 

of myself, 

so shameless and 

nobody listen 

to the voice in 

which I speak so 

vulnerably.

Everyone assigned 

me identities,

and I feel alienated 

in the only home that’s 

guaranteed mine.

So alienated I

lost touch, and such,

I clutch myself together.

And the only way start 

to seem like an attempt 

to use my wings, save 

myself, preserve the 

tenderness of my heart.

Maybe then they’ll hear 

my shameless vulnerability.

sometimes I pray 

don’t know who 

to these days.

don’t know who 

to these days.

don’t know who 

to these days.

You was gonna love me

It was only a moment, that’s all we had.

I have a hard time understanding how something that real wasn’t meant to last.

It came crashing down, I got whiplash 

I can never pinpoint the cause, but that life just happens or I was jaded by wishful thinking.

I saw the future and thought we had more moments,

more time, cause I was gonna make you love me,

you was gonna love me, you was gonna love me.

Difference a side we never said what was happening deep inside, things get too deep and we drowned, we were always comfortable at the shore, playing it safe, we didn’t think about how far things could go and the waves came crashing and sucking us in.

We panicked and I frantically searched for you cause I felt you drifting away, and you choose yourself and decided you didn’t need or want me anymore

too deep in.

It was a moment, that’s all we had.

It came crashing down and left my heart in a vegetated state.

I shared so much sacred with you, I gave you everything cause I saw the future whenever you were around, and small moments changed the course of fate.

You didn’t want me anymore. 

So much pain and I wanted to hate you, I wanted to take back everything and leave you with nothing like you did me.

But it was a moment, and I learned to live with it, and I’m ok with this goodbye. 

I bury you deep inside my mind, and I sometimes dig up the grave to reminisce about the moments when we laughed, when we acted like kids, when we were intimate.

I’ll cherish the moment we had, something that real couldn’t survive or maybe it wasn’t supposed to last, because it was my lesson on saying goodbye.

Can you hear the birds?

Can you hear the birds?

As I dance, I put all my weight on the soles of my feet,

as I move against hardwood floors...

I spin and create the strong winds in the middle of my bedroom,

blowing all the papers with faces off my walls. 

I got the music loud, to drown out my thoughts.

Can you hear the birds?

As I read out loud the stories in all the books I have stacked against my walls.

When I merge the fictional world into my reality, forgetting who I am.

when i be hearing their voices in my head, God they real.

Can you hear the birds?

As I lay against your chest and all I hear is the drumming in my ear.

When all I hear is our breathing, and your eyes the only thing I see in darkness.

And I lose myself in you and call you daddy too.

Can you hear the birds?

they humming, 

their wings sound like chains rattling,

they keep fighting,

every second.

for freedom.

Can you hear the birds?

Over all this silence I give, 

is silence that loud?

When I be crying rivers and my ears pop,

and I don’t hear a thing, 

sometimes I can’t even breathe.

Can you hear the birds?

I forgot who I am?

I be sitting at the kitchen table staring

out the window straight into the sun, a void.

Feeling out of place in my own home,

and to me, my voice sounds like screams,

and to everyone, it sounds like delicacy, the soft kind, for a small, pretty girl like me. 

Can you hear the birds?

inside of me, they move me trying to

break free of rib cage, tired of feasting on this expired heart.

And I’m on the floor, coughing up feathers, of birds I don’t know how to

set free.

Black girls always looking for an angel

I’ve fallen out of touch with the familiarity of what used to be my life.

Looking back, thinking how I deprived myself of my sanity.

Pretending that I was ok,

that I was satisfied with what I settled for.

How I held onto people even though we were out of touch.

How I was being deprived of the things I needed,

and I poured into beings what I wished I received.

Allowing myself to be naive,

because ignorance was so much better than the reality

I sucked at choosing lovers, friends and even family.

And I spent most of my life wandering aimlessly,

Lonely,

lacking,

feeling the inequality.

Thinking something was wrong with me,

carrying the weight of having a big heart that people take shots at.

Fighting tears trying not to allow them the power to change my heart.

But I kept feeling the light fade, inside of me,

because I shined it on everyone.

No one ever matched my energy.

Giving me artificial light,

substituting the fact that they were the moths that will follow and attack

until my light burned out.

And there were days when I shut my light out,

wanting it to be the end of me,

because I became out of touch with myself,

desensitized to my own pain,

my well being.

Afraid to let people close to me because I was tired of being let down,

I was so tired of falling in love with people’s false personas,

I was so tired of people taking advantage of me thinking I will stay no matter what.

I was so tired of people preaching to me that I should love myself,

when I do,

when they never had to experience the amount of heartbreak,

when everyone in your life keeps letting you down,

making me feel guilty,

I deserve some love too.

I just escape the reality in my daydreams,

where I be walking around finding four-leaf clovers,

making wishes,

I’m standing at the edge of the earth

and the sky is beneath my feet

And I dance to the beat of my own drum,

and I spin to the hummingbird melodies,

and I fall right into the sky, I’m falling right into heaven.

And I always awaken staring at myself in the bathroom mirror.

I’ve fallen out of touch with the familiarity of what used to be my life.

I feel it in my gut, being surrounded by dark souls,

I feel it in my gut, I know it before everyone else does.

And it depresses me when I can always sense the beginning of the end.

When I know that people aren’t who they claim to be,

and they drain the light source out of me.

I just be waiting for an angel to finally wrap its arms around me.