I’ve fallen out of touch with the familiarity of what used to be my life.
Looking back, thinking how I deprived myself of my sanity.
Pretending that I was ok,
that I was satisfied with what I settled for.
How I held onto people even though we were out of touch.
How I was being deprived of the things I needed,
and I poured into beings what I wished I received.
Allowing myself to be naive,
because ignorance was so much better than the reality
I sucked at choosing lovers, friends and even family.
And I spent most of my life wandering aimlessly,
Lonely,
lacking,
feeling the inequality.
Thinking something was wrong with me,
carrying the weight of having a big heart that people take shots at.
Fighting tears trying not to allow them the power to change my heart.
But I kept feeling the light fade, inside of me,
because I shined it on everyone.
No one ever matched my energy.
Giving me artificial light,
substituting the fact that they were the moths that will follow and attack
until my light burned out.
And there were days when I shut my light out,
wanting it to be the end of me,
because I became out of touch with myself,
desensitized to my own pain,
my well being.
Afraid to let people close to me because I was tired of being let down,
I was so tired of falling in love with people’s false personas,
I was so tired of people taking advantage of me thinking I will stay no matter what.
I was so tired of people preaching to me that I should love myself,
when I do,
when they never had to experience the amount of heartbreak,
when everyone in your life keeps letting you down,
making me feel guilty,
I deserve some love too.
I just escape the reality in my daydreams,
where I be walking around finding four-leaf clovers,
making wishes,
I’m standing at the edge of the earth
and the sky is beneath my feet
And I dance to the beat of my own drum,
and I spin to the hummingbird melodies,
and I fall right into the sky, I’m falling right into heaven.
And I always awaken staring at myself in the bathroom mirror.
I’ve fallen out of touch with the familiarity of what used to be my life.
I feel it in my gut, being surrounded by dark souls,
I feel it in my gut, I know it before everyone else does.
And it depresses me when I can always sense the beginning of the end.
When I know that people aren’t who they claim to be,
and they drain the light source out of me.
I just be waiting for an angel to finally wrap its arms around me.